Saturday, February 27, 2016

The Error of Parallax

The only reason I hate you now is because I loved you then. 

I can't stand listening to this music when I type this. I am not typing, I am shouting at you! But the rules of conduct and playing the game means I can't do that. Tables are turned now. I can't even say anything. In a last effort to save some face I can't even sms. I wish I could take some of them back before.

You've made a fool of me, just as I am sure you've done many times before with many girls. Undeserving! I replayed it on my mind and I can't understand why? I suppose this is a frequently asked question but it's not one I am used to asking. Am I not enough? 

I checked my mail constantly. I knew I shouldn't and I felt even more defeated with every empty inbox. You did nothing. You didn't do anything. I didn't understand? If you didn't do what you do, I would be enough. But because of this world and you in it, I am not enough. I didn't understand.

I never hated you, though I was blindingly angry with you for a time.

I'm not angry with you any longer, though you were judgmental and cruel in ways which were crystalline in their ingenuity. I can't even imagine how you've lived through the years after you abandoned me and said that you no longer loved me.

Because of that, the years we've spent happily together just banished together with those good memories we made. Then I stopped wishing that I could spend any more time with you. It also stopped me from thinking that you're a kind person because I felt that you've been terribly unkind to me.

But. I still love you, yes I do, not the same way as before but I know I can't hate you forever. This love will always remain in my heart in spite of all of that heartaches you gave me. But you're wrong, you know  when you said that "love is not 'only a two-way street', otherwise it isn't love." Because I'm all alone here on this infinite one-way street but I know what I feel.

Thanks for that liberating talk we had. 

-russ d'great-